Thursday, November 12, 2009

Why write?

So, why do this exercise in the first place? Partly, because I’m bored, and, for me, being bored is close to a form of torture. I can be idle for only so long before my “monkey brain,” – an apt image from yoga class – turns against me. I start down a path of introspection and self scrutiny which only leads me to conclude that I’m wasting me life – likely because of whatever was causing the boredom in the first place. Basically, I’m most alive when I’m engaged in something and a neurotic zombie when I’m not.

But why write? I think it stems from this desire to create something. Something mine. My ideas and way of molding them together. Plus, it’s just plain satisfying to put something to paper, look at it and realize I’ve captured just the essence of what was percolating around in my brain. In fact the very act of writing probably quiets and sets in order the many disorganized ideas running around in my head. It’s as if I find the truth of something that my thoughts were only circling around when I can start writing about it. I can look at something I wrote, step back and say, “Yes. That’s what I was trying to think.” But I didn’t know it, not exactly, until I wrote it down.

There’s also an aspect of art, of choreography to the whole exercise. To find the words that not only convey an idea most precisely, but to compose it in a way – through the right words set to just the right rhythm - that also evokes the related emotion. That’s art. That’s music. And I want to create some of that. Just now I have reordered some of the ideas you see here, deleted and substituted a word here and there to better capture the spirit of my meaning. It feels a bit like molding a sculpture. I sit back and see what I’ve produced, change it, and then look at it again until it’s just right. Or at least pleasing.

I want to hone this skill, to exercise this muscle and develop this discipline. I want to better communicate what I’m thinking and knowing and feeling. It can be such a lonely and frustrating feeling to have an idea trapped in your idea and not be able to express it exactly how you know it. So, I guess this is also an exercise in making connections and making myself known to myself and others.

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